It is the end of a long, rough week. Earlier in the week, during the middle of the night I awoke feeling heavy pain in my chest. My mind runs amuck with thoughts about heart attacks. Thank God for a diagnosis or I would not sleep at all (though with the pain I don’t sleep well anyway). The arthritis in the chest wall is inflamed. It doesn’t bother often, but when it does it hurts.
I wake up and fix a fresh pot of coffee and sit down at the kitchen table. The night struggle with pain has left me feeling sluggish and weak. I sit and ponder how I thought life would look by this point. The reality is not exactly what I pictured when I was younger.
I pictured children eager to be taught and learn, who would love being home together. The reality is they fuss too often, I fuss too often. The reality is, after struggling for months, this homeschooling mom enrolled child #4 in public school. He desires to play sports, this is the best way we have to offer him the opportunity. He is not able to focus or manage his time well, he needs more structure. There are too many distractions at home. This is the child who feels that libraries are too loud for studying. Perhaps in a classroom setting where everyone is focused on the same subject during the same period he will find the structure he needs.
I pictured close relationships between parents and children as they moved toward adulthood. The reality is, okay, with Darling daughter and Dear son-in-love it is sweet. They are a blessing to this mom heart. The reality is, with children #2 and 3, these two boys, stretching their wings and moving away from home. As they are becoming men their decisions, choices, give this mom cause for concern and plenty of opportunity to trust God.
I pictured as children moved out that the financial pressures would ease up. The reality is, with everyone hard pressed in this economy, finances are still a struggle. It seems Precious husband works harder for what seems to barely stretch far enough. Our house project sits still on the hill – waiting.
Opening Scripture I read,
“Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits” Psalm 103:2
Why is it so hard to see the benefits? Why does it feel like the benefits are so few? Maybe because I tend to seek the tangible benefits. I want to see how the picture will turn out and now would be a good time. The greatest benefits are those that are not seen with human eyes but with spiritual eyes. Benefits that are not temporal but eternal.
Praise the Lord, O my soul,
who forgives all my sins – not just a few, but all my sins
who heals all my diseases – not just physical disease, but spiritual and emotional disease as well
who redeems my life from the pit – pit of death, pit of hell, pit of insecurity, pit of anger, pit of self-pity, pit of ____(you fill in the blank)
who crowns me with love and compassion – He sets a crown upon my head, a crown of everlasting love and compassions that are new every morning
who satisfies my desires with good things – His daily presence – manna, developing Christ like character, character takes perseverance, endurance to develop
so that my youth is renewed like the eagle’s – ability to soar higher and see more clearly, stamina to persevere
When I picture my life through the lens of God’s Word I see, hear, feel the truth. The Father daily loads me with benefits, but I must take the time to focus on eternity.
In those moments where the cares of life threaten to choke out the Word I must pull the weeds giving room for the seed to grow. I stop to SEE GOD in the midst of out of focus pictures. For the pictures are not fully developed yet, they are still being processed. Only God above knows how they will look in the end. It is time for me to step back and watch a Master artist at work as He develops the picture He desires.
3 comments:
"...now would be a good time."
How often I've said that. I'd like to see how the picture develops too. I prefer known difficulty to unknown unknown.
But He knows, and He gives. Praying you up during the challenges, the unknowns, the transitions, Nancy.
Thank you for your honesty here. I've been wrestling with the homeschooling issue my three children. I have homeschooled my son for preschool, but with the decision coming next fall for Kindergarten, I have bent God's ear so much. Our community seems to be all leaning to home schooling now, but I see my children responding better when others teach them versus me. You're encouraging me that there is no overall right and wrong, but something for each child. Thank you.
Lyla - The unknowns, yes, that I where I struggle.
Jennifer - I am learning after 17 years of homeschooling and a few previous incursions into public school to take each year, each month, each child into consideration. What works today may not continue to be what is going to work tomorrow. Keeping the ear turned to the Father - He knows.
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