Consumed

I looked it up the minute I heard God speak the word into my spirit – consume.   The first definition here is “to destroy or expend by use; use up” and the last is “to absorb, engross”.   Here I stand at the end of the year and deep down I feel the first definition – expended – empty.  So many transitions and setbacks this year, too many changes.  


The two oldest sons struggle to find their places in the world.  Challenge son moves into a local fire department for a training/live-in program.  We battle through his car accident the results of which at the end of the year leave me feeling cheated by the system.  I stand grateful that no one was physically injured.  Unfortunately I wonder where God is in the situation when emotionally and financially it takes such a toll.    


Helpful son stays with Gold-hearted mom when we move in May to the farm.  On the one hand he feels abandoned and on the other he won’t follow the few rules he has been given.  Simple things like calling when you get home from work, not being out late, and keeping the yard and house in order.  Communication is not our strong suit at this time and we constantly are at odds.   Still struggling.


I pray they make decisions that honor God.  I strive to let go and let God work in their lives, trusting Him for the outcome, even as I seek to see Him in these confusing places. 
This mom2six is now down to three children living at home.


During the spring and summer we attempt a garden.  As the summer rolls along Precious husband asks what I have learned from this years gardening experience.  I tell him we need a better fence around the garden as the deer and other woodland creatures consume every ear of corn and most of the cantaloupes and watermelons.   It resembles my life, I plant seeds, they are consumed by situations I have no control over.   I long for a harvest that doesn’t quite come to completion.


It is during this time that the Father and I begin a desert journey.  Even though I feel dry, God walks with me here.  I look to Him to fill me in this dusty place.  


The time rolls around for this homeschooling family to begin a new school year.  We start with three students but at the beginning of the second nine weeks God asks me to let go of another.  It takes a week to get Fun son registered for public school.   I release him to develop a life for himself – his grades, his reputation – they belong to him.  He has to make the choices.  I pray he makes decisions that honor God. 


This mom2six is now down to two children filling my days.


Then it comes, a situation arises that topples me, send me headlong into a pit.  It is a small thing, but for some reason it seems huge.  There is a problem with this little farmhouse we have been living in and we may have to move – again.  Twice in one year – just when we are beginning to feel a little settled.  It seems God has led to a wonderful place of worship, Fun son is settled in nicely at school, darling daughter’s animals are situated in stalls, chicken coop is done, house project is finally all on the property ready for us to slowly reassemble.  


As the daily burdens of raising children are reduced the emotional burdens seem greater.   The laying down and letting go is harder that I thought.  God where are you?   All year I have just wanted to be consumed with you – your presence – to see you.  I have reached the end of the year and only feel expended – empty. 


It is at this alter I hear Him whisper.  The work of being consumed has done its work.  It has created a place in my heart where I can see Him, hear him for the next part of our journey.  It is here the Father speaks the name for 2012.  My heart burns, expectations are consumed, together we prepare to move into a new year.   
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Results about our housing issue come in hours after I pen this post.  Praising God that we will not have to move – again.   I breathe deeply and exhale, tears of gratitude roll down my cheeks.